


Show and Tell: Dummies Guide for Dicking Down your Alien Boyfriend

by MishiTamashi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: First Time, Frottage, M/M, Xenobiology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-04-07 01:50:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4244964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MishiTamashi/pseuds/MishiTamashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After dating and having visited one another every so often throughout their relationship Dave and Karkat decide to move their relationship forward a step. That is, if they could take that step without tripping all over themselves in the process which they definitely don't do. There was only so much one can google about their datemate's business without feeling uncomfortable and they were in need of some on-hand training.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Show and Tell: Dummies Guide for Dicking Down your Alien Boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SilverWolf7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverWolf7/gifts).



Every movie date followed the same pattern for the most part, from miles and miles away he would turn to at least two different mediums of streaming and sharing each. Then spend a few minutes running around their respective apartments until Karkat could turn off enough shit to stop the shitty lag, even though he’s sure that Dave has no troubles at all getting connected and it’s mostly your crapass internet with all the hold-up. That doesn’t seem to matter to Dave, he gets some kind of sick kick out of listening to the troll bitch and gripe and grumble into his headset about Sollux being a fucking hog and slowing down the internet. That had to be the only reason Karkat figured Dave stuck around for all of the set-ups and adjustments in between movies.

Karkat groaned and typed away at his laptop, the interface displaying Dave in all his douche-like charm; his soft and thin skin and dumbass shades that hid away eyes as bright and red as the troll’s own. The camera quality was too shit but he could imagine the freckles that would be shown if the lighting was a little bit better not to say that it was bad but there was a definite need for improvement. Dave probably spent a lot of time fiddling with his settings to hide the shit he didn’t like about himself, those freckles being the first thing. His head tipped just back enough from his positioning on the bed that so the camera couldn’t catch a good bit of his hair which made Karkat wonder if he hadn’t dyed or bleached or whatever’d it lately so now he had rich, dark roots showing at the bases of those blond strands. Honestly Karkat liked that so he hoped that was the case.

The feed loaded, connected, then started to buffer once more which spurred more hateful words directed to Sollux and whatever it was he was doing to make the internet (that he pays good goddamn money for between the two of them) lag to this ridiculous state.

Dave only snorted into his microphone and gave him a glance, directly into the camera like the cinema trash he was. “Careful how you throw those words Karkat, I could start thinking he’s your hate smoochmate. My delicate human romantic notions could stir up some jealousy.” His voice too smooth in the troll’s ear in that way that made him want to rip the headset off and chuck it across the room, but instead Karkat could only stare into the flat half-reflection of his screen off his shades and blink slowly.

“If you imagine me kissing that garbled mess of fucked up fangs and the first emotion you feel isn’t disgust then there’s no hope for you on the horizon. Jealousy would be the least of your problems seeing as you’re losing your goddamn mind or sense of decency at the very least.”

“I don’t know, he’s kinda cute. In a snarky coatrack way, 8/10 would suck face.”

“Trust me that charm wears off the more you’re forced to deal with him. I’d have an easier time living with an actual snarky coatrack but instead I have to be sharing the same living space with a sad, sardonic no-ass nerd that sprinkles spittle over my head whenever I’ve had bad enough luck to catch the beast on the prowl. One I, for some reason of massive self-hatred, engage in conversation with knowing full well that I’m inviting myself to a scattered shower of energy drink slobber and groan-inducing memes.”

“You mad?”

“Don’t.”

Of course, what the fuck was he expecting? And then Dave starts to laugh (probably at the look on Karkat’s face) like it’s even relatively funny. Sollux and Dave were friends though so he knew how bad Sollux was at least on some level. Truth be told Karkat couldn’t see himself living with very many of his other friends that and given his and Sollux’s relationship that trespassed into inappropriate territory 100% of the time and then entered _uncomfortably_ inappropriate territory 200% of the time it was kind of perfect. They liked each other, hated each other, respected each other more than they’d admit out loud or to themselves and they had, every once in a while, found each other on either of their concupiscent platforms. It was a comfortable dynamic that wasn’t planned so much as one uncomfortable situation had gotten much too uncomfortable and too comfortably close to back down and run away from.

Though that was before Karkat and Dave had started dating and while Sollux had already had his relationship it was rather open, that was an openness Karkat could respect but not see for himself or Dave. Hell, the two of them hadn’t even gotten to the point where they pailed which was partly to do with distance and some to do with fumbling on everyone’s parts. It wasn’t a large part of their relationship, no, Karkat had enjoyed every moment of dating Dave. From the beginning he loved listening to his voice, hated his stupid words and jokes, and adored his complete lack of cool. The topic of pailing was one they had approached and agreed to try at some point during his visit.

Now seated on his platform Karkat stare down at the screen and moved on away from memes and movie set-up, “Excited for tomorrow?”

“No we’re still watching old westerns at three in the morning for the hell of it, yeah I’m excited. Can’t sleep.”

Karkat scoffed and decided to let the stupid movie do whatever it wanted to (or didn’t want to) so he could shift focus back onto his matesprit. “That’s cute but you should be trying. Go ask John to put you in a gentle bro chokehold so you can catch some rest. Once you get here you’re going to need to be able to keep up with me and my lack of rest. Unlike you, I’m actually nocturnal.”

On the monitor Dave raised both hands, “Whoa there Brother Nature, I’m diurnal and we’re going to be doing shit during the day too, if I’m not mistaken you do have work at night. I’m pretty sure that’s a Vantas fact that I’ve checked and confirmed a long time ago. You’re going to have to keep up with my sleep schedule of not drooling in my freaky alien slime or whatever.”

“For one I don’t drool and secondly I have a few days off,” as if he didn’t request them to spend some time with Dave. While he’s not going to be off for the entire time Dave’s going to be with him it was better than nothing. Out of the two of them Dave was the only one able to get such a long time off work to make the trip. Karkat couldn’t break free of his managerial shackles for a week, also Dave just had more vacation time.

“Still I’m expecting you to get some rest too dude, don’t stay up all night with me being a gross couple when you’ve got bills to pay. I’ll still be there when you get back from punching the clock.”

Karkat leaned his chin on his fist, “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”

“Oh so I’m the cute one but you can play stubborn and cheeky.”

“You’re goddamn right, that’s exactly how it works. Glad to see we’re on the same page.”

“I don’t know. My screenshot folder says otherwise.”

Pausing for a moment Karkat looked to the screen then back to the movie that seemed to have a large amount of content loaded. “Concentrate on the film you sapass creep.” Then smacked PLAY while Dave snickered through the opening.

\---

Immediately after Dave signed off to try and sleep it had been somewhere near 5 o’clock in the morning, the rest of the hours spent between that time and Dave’s arrival was spent in a maddash of cleaning and making sure everything was in order. Everything meaning that the complex was cleaned, Sollux’s shit organized and moved out of the way, Sollux at his matesprit’s place for a day or two so they could have some privacy, stocked fridge, things that would ensure they could stay in the apartment for a few days without having to leave.

Because staying inside is pretty much exactly what Karkat planned for them if they were really going to be pailing. Dave had come over a few times in the future just as Karkat had gone over to his town and crashed when he could for holidays. Much like all reunions though they started off with a tight hug.

The taller, slimmer human patting the troll’s back. “Okay dude, don’t squeeze my guts out I still need those.”

“If my affection makes you go _pop_ like a yogurt tube then I’m attributing that to your species’ frailness and nothing else.” Dave was quiet for a moment which made Karkat pause and _immediately_ shove him and release the laughter the other had stored up.

“Hahaha holy shit, I missed that “oh fuck” realization face in person. Really. It’s just adorable.”

Karkat slapped away Dave’s grabby hands and walked away from him with one of the blond’s bags over his shoulder. “Goodbye Dave. Nice to see you.”

The human continued to laugh and followed though he knew he wouldn’t be left behind. As much as Karkat argued and bickered with Dave he wouldn’t actually abandon the other in some shitty airport. Most of the time spent commuting back to the apartment fingers were twined together until it got too hot and they had to wipe the sweat from their palms on respective jeans, well that was more Dave than anything. They made small talk about Dave’s flight, about how John was doing, their jobs, then ending with them huddled together on the couch while Dave flipped through the shows recorded on Karkat’s DVR.

Karkat looked up at Dave more than he gave the television attention, following the trail of freckles that scattered over his face and down into his shirt. The slope of his nose and curve of his cheeks, soft lips with so, so thin skin he knew very well how he’d be able to feel Dave’s body heat if they weren’t around the same temperature range. His hand had been over Dave’s thumbing over the back of his hand, this was good. Alright. By the time he was nuzzling Dave’s shoulder he spoke up and pointed to the television.

“Do you even watch all this shit?”

The troll let out a low sigh, “Every week faithfully unless I want to re-watch something. It’s something to look forward to when I get off work.”

“You work after it’s been recorded man.”

“It’s called self-control Sir Obviously Striderson you should practice it every so often or maybe you should practice it a little less. Actually I fear the outcome of that.” Dave scoffed around a mouthful of chips, yeah. Nothing sexier than sour cream and onion. Fucking incredible. “You know, you’re doing a great job.”

“Thanks.” Then after a few short seconds Dave turned his head, the shades he wore perched in his hair so they stared at each other for a few short moments. “I do my best but which great thing am I doing this time? I bet it’ll be something about my awesome critiques of your shows.”

“You’d be pitifully wrong,”

“He only likes me for my pity factor.”

Rather than stop at Dave’s rudeass interjection Karkat simply put a hand over his mouth and ignored the lick to his palm that was meant to be disgusting (and oh, wow wasn’t it) but he continued. “—I don’t exactly know when you want to, you know, take advantage of our time alone but you’re making it damn hard to kind of slide into it.”

Now he swallowed and shifted some in his seat, “Uh, just. Now? Just slide on into it?”

“Was… now bad?” Now Karkat sat up to give Dave some space and look at him fully.

“No, no not that it’s _bad_ I was kinda- alright so if you’ve been waving the “Lets Bang” flag in my face this is kind of what we always do so I didn’t want to jump and be all, oh shit Karkat. Can’t wait to jump your real life troll squid and clam. Boy howdy, let the sex fuckin’ commence. I’m engaging my human donger for something amazing-”

Karkat waved his hand in Dave’s face, “Alright let me stop you right there and tell you please shut the fuck up for a second.”

“Okay. One.”

“I’m being serious!”

With a sigh Dave only shrugged and moved to sit on one leg and face Karkat, “Why does it have to be serious? It’s not like we have to change or flip the script just because someone’s something is going in someone else’s something. Which is something I’d like to talk about because I’m not so sure I woke up this morning thinking I needed a prehensile alien dick up my ass.”

Blindly reaching Karkat grabbed the throw pillow and smashed it into Dave’s face, “Will you clog your speechbox long enough for me to squeeze in a reply! I never said I wanted to stick my bulge in your ass, that’s fucking _disgusting_!”

Dave moved the pillow and gestured at Karkat like a point had been made, when it didn’t seem like it’d click with Karkat he only rolled his wrist. “Then let’s talk about it. Lay down all the ducks in a row and all that shit neither of us expects the other to know everything about alien genitals.”

He didn’t need to let that one roll around in his pan for it to make sense so Karkat only nodded and moved to stand. “Then we should go to my room.” He had kind of, wanted it to happen between them naturally but Dave was right, they didn’t know much about the other’s junk or what they’d even be fine with. Understanding and communication. Essential for all romantic elements.

The small trip to Karkat’s room felt more awkward than it should’ve, they were quiet in taking off their clothing but left boxers on. Sittings on his platform across from each other in their stark differences. Dave being all lean muscle while Karkat was short and compact. Dave was the first to clear his throat, “So. The big dick down.”

Karkat sighed and rubbed his face, ignoring the feeling of nerves that pinched just below the surface of his skin. “This is fucking stupid.”

“Whoa, wow it’s not stupid it’s like show and tell.”

“Show and tell with two bumbling asshats as they fall ass backwards in the marveling adventures of xenobiology.”

“Two bumbling asshats that dig each other enough to sit through falling ass backwards into the marveling adventures of xenobiology.” His words made Karkat snort and scoot forward a little.

“Fine, I’ll accept that,” he just had to relax. Yeah just relax. “I’m not doing it from opposite ends though.”

Kissing was easy, familiar territory. Pressing together and separating, then opening lips as it deepened into an easy pace of making out. Working around Karkat’s fangs and letting their tongues slide past each other. Karkat’s tongue had been a bit longer than Dave’s own, licking the roof of Dave’s mouth and inciting that little shiver the other always gave.

Dave’s hands found Karkat’s waist since the troll enjoyed tangling fingers in hair and tipping Dave’s head either way for him to gain better access. Dave tasted like those goddamn chips but the brush of warm, calloused fingers on his grub scars more than made up for it. The sensitive skin around them had his muscles flexing under Dave’s touch.

Gently Karkat nipped Dave’s bottom lip and made the human sigh softly, that was when Karkat pushed him back with a loud groan. “Fucking Christ!”

Surprised and a bit dazed Dave blinked spoke quickly, “Wha- what? What’s wrong?” though his expression straightened as he saw Karkat’s hand pressed to his nose. “Are you fucking-.”

“Your goddamn breath is offensive so no, no Dave I most certainly am _not_ fucking! I can deal with making out with that but you blow it in my fucking face and- ugh!”

“Wow… wow, you can’t even talk. You had, what, grubloaf before you went to get me?” Karkat’s silence was all the affirmation he needed, because Karkat did have a grubloaf sandwich before picking up Dave. “See. That’s why I don’t like it, it’s strong as hell and the taste lingers but I’m nutting up and taking it Primadonna Vantas.”

“Fine, point made! I’ll deal with it just come here, we were doing well.”

“Oh hell no, you come here. I didn’t break up the happy party and I’m not crawling back.” Karkat groaned and shoved Dave to the middle of the platform before moving to straddle him and placed the humans hands on his grubscars.

Sitting where he was he could see the slight lump that pressed against Dave’s boxers and looked to the human before letting his hand hover, silently asking for permission. Dave nodded and sighed once again when Karkat palmed him through his boxers. It wasn’t hard, more like firm but still pretty soft even though the thin fabric. The troll continued to rub him and watched Dave’s face curiously only to jump when he was pinched.

“What the fuck!?”

“Dude don’t watch me, that’s creepy.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Should I just stare blanky at the wall instead?”

The human only shrugged, “It’s a thought.”

“A stupid thought,” Karkat applied more pressure then pulled his hand back feeling it twitch, looking surprise. “It moved.”

“Yours is nothing but moving.”

“Yeah because that’s normal, yours isn’t supposed to move.”

Letting go of Karkat Dave now covered his face. “Oh my god. Can we not talk about how fascinating dick twitches are? In fact come here, it’s my turn. Let me get a piece of this action and reaction with my boyfriend’s weird crotch.”

Karkat huffed and snagged one of Dave’s hands and put it under him, he was warm only a little damp but his bulge hadn’t slipped free yet. It was stirring behind it’s sheath but nothing Dave would feel, that didn’t mean having his hand there didn’t feel good. Direct stimulation on the lips of his nook made his posture stiffen a little. After a minute of Dave’s petting the troll moved to puppet his hand, rubbing back and forth until he found the small pleasure nub and tried to get Dave’s fingers to find it.

The human pressed up making Karkat’s thigh’s flex, “That?”

“Yes, yes Dave that. The thing I’ve been trying to help you get your hilariously undeft fingers to locate.”

“Chill, but don’t worry next time I’ll bring a chart to help me. You can hold it up and I’ll try to feel my way to your… like. This feels like a clit, is it a clit?” His curious prodding and poking got really not-sexy really fast.

“Pleasure nub, holy shit it’s called a pleasure nub.”

“Pleasure nub.” Then the asshole has the gall to snort. “Really?”

“Keep your human labels to your human genitalia, flesh rod.”

That had Dave laughing, not so sarcastically but that didn’t last so long when Karkat moved to grind himself against his dick. Good, shut the fuck up Dave. Be silent… and make that face again. Now with this position Karkat leaned down and kissed Dave drinking in his moans and returning them as they frot against each other. Every so often he’d angle his hips to press his pleasure nub down on Dave and hitch his breath because Dave’s hips always rolled to meet his. His own boxers were considerably wet, his bulge now partway out and Dave did feel a good bit harder and those twitches kept happening.

Dave’s breathing had crossed into pants as he broke away, hands firm on Karkat’s hips to rub against him, “Goddamn you’re wet, your boxers just kicked it up from toasty drizzle to molten as fuck summer flood.”

 A shudder rolled down the troll’s spine, the rest of his bulge spilling out from its sheath and pulled a low moan from him. “We should lose the layers now,”

Dave didn’t have a problem with that though now they had a whole other interesting topic since they were both staring. “Alright, so remember when I said I wasn’t waking up thinking about an alien dick up my ass? That statement still stands but I’m thinking I could really suck you off. Is that weird? That’s probably weird.”

“It’s not weird…,” He had been thinking the same, Dave erect was. Interesting, his dick wasn’t wet like Karkat’s bulge and the hanging sack behind it looked weird but soft.

“Alright then, both of our oral fixations aren’t weird. What’s next? Do I have to read some kind of cheat code to stick my stick in your hole or what?”

Karkat stared at Dave, lips slightly parted as he squinted with furrowed eyebrows. “….Now I know you’re not allowed to talk. At all. Just… no. No goddamn, no. Shut up. And while you’re shutting up just, lay back and let me try something.”

Dave pulled a zipper over his lips and tossed away the key before flopping back into his original position so Karkat could straddle him once more. The troll kept one hand on his bulge to keep it away from Dave’s dick as he slowly moved it to the opening of his nook and pressed. Pressing a little more to get the head in and hissed in through his teeth when that didn’t seem to work out so well.

Meanwhile Dave didn’t know what to do, awkwardly rubbing Karkat’s knee in concern and lifted him away, “You okay? Is something wrong?”

Sitting back on Dave’s thighs he sighed and squeezed his bulge so it wouldn’t start to retract, “Your dick, that’s what’s wrong.”

“…Alright. I can’t fix that.” Dave tried to not pull face but it was kind of hard when someone was metaphorically shitting on his literal dick.

“It’s not tapered, nooks are made for things that are tapered.”

“Oh… yeah, I still can’t fix that.” But he sat up and kissed Karkat’s cheek either way. “Are we back at the oral thing now or-…”

“No, no.” Karkat waved at him, “We can figure something out.”

Watching Karkat’s hand tangled with his bulge Dave moved to take over, letting it slip through his fingers and squeezed. “Let’s start here then. We can figure the rest out later.”

Giving a breathy sigh he nodded and moved Dave’s hand to let it wrap around his dick, “Here is fine.” Then grinned at the shiver and groan he was rewarded.

Kissing again they frot against each other with heated breath and shuddery exhales, Karkat’s breath would hitch and make his bulge squeeze around Dave’s cock which twitched in return. His mouth felt dry after panting for so long but he couldn’t care less and exchanged sticky kisses with his matesprit.

Dave’s arms wrapped around him to pull him close, dipping down then one arm pulled back and unstuck Karkat’s left thigh from Dave’s right to get his hand under him. The human pulled back from the kiss to speak, “This cool?” His fingers brushed against Karkat’s pleasure nub once more before making circles on it, Karkat trilled and tightened his grip on Dave’s shoulders.

“Fuck yes, yes do that.” A clenching warmth seized his lower abdomen and made him roll his hips into Dave’s hand. His bulge tightening one more and slipping over Dave’s cock, pulsing every so often then squeezing for a few seconds when Karkat gasped at Dave’s finger prodding into his nook.

“Holy shit… that’s hot. That’s really hot.” He moaned into Karkat’s shoulder and slipped his finger in and out of the troll, pre-material staining both their laps. Slowly, so slowly Karkat felt him add a second finger into the mix and finger him with them both. The troll groaned and rolled his hips down into it, dripping a pale pink down Dave’s hand and onto the sheets beneath them.

Not wanting to let Dave do everything Karkat put his hand around his bulge and helped it to slide up and down Dave’s shaft making him lean forward and gasp, fingers stuttering in their thrusts. Between the two of them Karkat had the most leverage to roll his hips but he could feel Dave try to give little twitches, his freckled face red down to his neck. Eyes almost shut but not quite there, Karkat nudged Dave’s forehead with his own and chirped softly making him finally close them and release a long low moan.

The troll closed the distance between their mouths to kiss the rest of that moan and feel it against his lips. In his haste his teeth nicked Dave’s lower lip and pulled up more sounds from the blond that Karkat ate up, roughly kissing the other unable to care about the trills and moans that bubbled up from his chest. His sudden clenching around Dave’s fingers and cock made him gasp silently, fingers and toes curling as genetic material pooled and collected in his lower abdomen and poured from the diamond tip of his bulge. It lasted a few seconds and in the background of his own blood rushing in his ears he heard Dave curse and jolt against him, then there were hands petting him as he finally came down.

“You alive?”

Karkat actually snorted and looked at him, still flushed but with some tired grin on his face. The troll only leaned forward and purred into Dave’s neck.

“Hahaha, so that means no right. Pretty sure that means no.” Karkat nipped his neck lightly.

“Shut up. It means shut up and cuddle me.”

“You flooded my everything and it’s going to get cold once it stops being lava but alright.” He flopped them back and let Karkat get some blood flowing in his legs again, the nerves pinching and tingling now that his legs were stretched out again. “Also your wiggly is tugging my hose but you already turned the bed into jizz avenue.”

The troll sighed then chirped when Dave pressed on his stomach and smacked his hand. “I have to release my material from my seedflap, fuck off.”

Dave made a face but moved his hand, “Yeesh, and you called me unsexy. So what, round two to devastate the other side of the bed?”

“In a minute.”

Then things fell silent before Dave started up again, “So releasing the material from the seedflap, is that considerably less than my lap’s trip to Splashtown, USA?”

Ugh, well at least he was willing to learn.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like this! It's been a while since I've written solo but I'm pretty happy with the outcome. DaveKat is one of my favorite ships and first time was too cute to pass up. Either way enjoy!


End file.
